A COMPLICATED LIFE

“Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives.” ― Tony Robbins 

“Never underestimate the  power of thought ; it is the greatest path to discovery.” “If you realized how powerful your  thoughts  are, you would never think a negative  thought .” “The only thing more dangerous than an idea is a belief.” “The monuments of wit survive the monuments of  power .” "...What you imagine, you create..." I do sometimes believe in this because there are countless times I have imagined scenarios and they came to life and it's almost as if I am usually powerless to stop the outcome.  Premonitions?

"No texts, no calls, nothing. But I’m still here thinking  of  you like crazy."

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”  ―  C.S. Lewis ,  The Four Loves

“Lingering, bottled-up anger never reveals the ‘true colors’ of an individual. It, on the contrary, becomes all mixed up, rotten, confused, forms a highly combustible, chemical compound then explodes as something foreign, something very different than one’s natural self.” ―  Criss Jami ,  Healology

Vengeance is the act of turning anger in on yourself. On the surface, it may be directed at someone else, but it is a surefire recipe for arresting emotional recovery. :- Jane Goldman I’m a great believer in karma, and the vengeance that it serves up to those who are deliberately mean is generally enough for me. :- Beth Ditto Being cheated on, lied to, used, can make a person extremely bitter, but at some point, you really have to move on before you are completely consumed by rage.

Yesterday I was home and I spent most of the day working on my book.  I have always thought of writing a book, but, it was just a thought, until three weeks ago.  That was when my heart was broken, did I say broken?  No, I meant shattered. As a way to escape the pain, I decided to put my feelings, my thoughts in writing, tell my story.  And that’s how it began. I am presently on page fifty and I hope to be done with the writing soon and start rewriting, editing.  I never thought it would be easy, and I have discovered just that.  The experience is bittersweet.  I have doubts about my abilities, however, I will not be deterred, I will continue to write.

I am having one of those days when I need complete silence, where I am irritated by sounds, it is almost crippling, almost as if noise will drive me crazy, literally crazy.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that I am feeling extremely depressed, my sinuses had to remind me that things could get even worse.

I can never understand when a relationship ends, how people can move on from one partner to the next in a short span of time.  I can't understand how people sleep around when they are in a relationship. And I most certainly cannot understand how anyone can have pictures of their ex-boyfriends and present posted on their social media accounts.  

A Broken Heart© Jenna How do I mend a broken heart? My entire world has fallen apart. How do I find hope in a brand new day, when the one I love has gone away? My mind overflows with memories of you, of all that we’ve shared, all that we knew. I long for your touch and your warm embrace, the look in your eyes, the smile on your face. My dreams are filled with your soft gentle kiss, I wake and cry for all that I miss. How do I mend a broken heart,  when my one true love and I are apart? My heart knows to love only you, it won’t let go, what do I do? Our moments together were precious and few, but I cherished them all more than you knew. I love you my angel and always will, I loved you then and I love you still.  

“All I ever wanted was to reach out and touch another human being not just with my hands but with my heart.”  ―  Tahereh Mafi ,  Shatter Me “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”  ―  Leo F. Buscaglia “When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” ―  Ernest Hemingway “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”  ―  Leo F. Buscaglia

“Peace begins with a smile..” ―  Mother Teresa “Laugh, even when you feel too sick or too worn out or tired. Smile, even when you're trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision. Sing, even when people stare at you and tell you your voice is crappy. Trust, even when your heart begs you not to. Twirl, even when your mind makes no sense of what you see. Frolick, even when you are made fun of. Kiss, even when others are watching. Sleep, even when you're afraid of what the dreams might bring. Run, even when it feels like you can't run anymore.  And, always, remember, even when the memories pinch your heart. Because the pain of all your experience is what makes you the person you are now. And without your experience---you are an empty page, a blank notebook, a missing lyric. What makes you brave is your willingness to live through your terrible life and hold your head up high the next day. So don't live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, af...

“You know, it's quite a job starting to love somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment, in the very beginning, when you have to jump across a precipice: if you think about it you don't do it.” “Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count on no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth.” “It’s quite an undertaking to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment right at the start where you have to jump across an abyss: if you think about it you don’t do it.” “Words are loaded pistols.” “I want to leave, to go somewhere where I should be really in my place, where I would fit in . . . but my place is nowhere; I am unwanted.” “My thought is me: that’s why I ca...

Have you ever tried to write a book, and while writing, you think to yourself, this is rubbish.  Nobody's going to buy or read this.  Well, that's how I am feeling right now.  I am trying to tell a story, but it's not flowing, it doesn't sound exciting.  I keep asking, how do I make my boring life exciting on paper?

You're in a relationship.  To your knowledge, it's not perfect, but you're happy.  You've planned and saved for months to get your significant other a perfect gift.  You got the idea to get him a lovely Movado watch.  You bought it, but, not only did you buy it, you had it engraved.  You spent so much money on it, it's a gift for his birthday and Christmas.  Unfortunately, before you could present him with your well thought of gift, your world fell apart, you found out he's been sleeping with another woman.  The relationship is now over. What do you do with the watch?  It obviously can't be returned to Movado, because it was engraved. http://poll.fm/5w2ae

What do you do if you have an expensive Movado watch, that you had engraved for a significant other, but the relationship abruptly came to an end before the gift was passed on?  Obviously, it cannot be returned to Movado.

Today was a good day.  I wasn’t as focused on my broken heart. I was finally able to genuinely smile, thanks to Sonya, the server at the Subway restaurant I frequent. My morning started out how it usually does, negative runaway thoughts clouding my mind. However, by the time I got to Krispy Kreme, my focus was on something else, what can I do to make someone’s day? Then my downtrodden spirit slowly felt lifted. I started checking off, in my mind, the gifts I bought for the workers at Krispy Kreme and Subway that often serves me.  Trying to make sure I’m not forgetting anyone. I don’t know all their names, but that doesn’t matter. They are hard workers with great personalities. I reminded myself, that if I want to get beyond the pain and hurt of a broken heart, I should set my focus on doing something to help someone, or just to make someone’s day a little brighter. It is the end of my day and I’m on my way home. I do feel dejected, but hopeful.

I’m sitting at Subway having a sandwich. I am a creature of habit, so, I am having my new usual, ham with spinach, jalapeño peppers, and tomatoes. I have been feeling empty, confused, much like a zombie. I’m doing the things that I’m supposed to do, but, I feel like a robot performing. Two of my colleagues approached me and asked if I was OK (one on Tuesday, the other, today).  That I have been very quiet recently.  I thanked them for their concerns and assured them that I was OK. But, sometimes it is good to   be quiet. Peace of mind and happiness, that’s what I desire.

I’m up!  And so are my runaway thoughts. It’s a late start for me, I don’t need to be at work until 10AM. It is raining outside;  I do like the sound of it raining, water rushing down from the roof.  Raindrops beating the puddles on the ground. I am a flawed human being.  My imperfections are limitless.  I am sitting here, thinking of ways I can offer up, ‘payback’ (R unaway thoughts. There will be no payback) .  Why payback? Two weeks ago, I accidentally stumbled on someone’s Instagram page  (her pictures of her Polish boyfriend  (MY BOYFRIEND) .  An editor for People.com.  On her page, I saw pictures of her and my then, ‘boyfriend’.  I thought we had something going on, we’ve been doing our dance for almost 8 years.  Far from perfect years, but, things seemed better between us than previous years.  Maybe, that was because I stopped asking a multitude of questions, and put a little more ‘trust’ in him; to be hone...

I was sitting at my favorite coffee shop, Krispy Kreme, having my usual; vanilla coffee, and a cinnamon raisin, bagel. I’m a creature of habit. I was looking out the window, watching the vehicles go by. I’m looking, but I’m not focused. Why? My thoughts are going a 110 miles. I’m thinking of everything and anything.  I wish I had the ability to calm my mind. Pump the brakes, but, no matter how hard I try, I cannot settle my thoughts.

It is another day, and, with another day, comes the feeling of wanting to be alone. I didn’t want to get out of bed and head to work. However, I forced myself and I am out I popped in to Krispy Kreme, like I do every day. Well, almost every day. I ordered a small coffee, and, cinnamon raisin bagel, with cream cheese. With my coffee in my right hand, me approaching a table to sit, I clearly heard that voice in my head, saying, “Get up! Get up!”   Kinda reminded me of that scene from the movie, Matrix, when Trinity said, “Get up, Trinity.  Get up!”. However, the ‘get up!’ in my case isn’t in the literal sense, but figuratively. I am emotionally drained, and, at some point, I need to snap myself out of it, and live. That’s what that voice was encouraging me to do. Get Up!

I’m awake, but I wish I were still sleeping. Because, the flood of emotional pain has engulfed me once again. I question why I was born? Why do I continue to live? I feel as though I was given this life, as punishment, but why?, for someone’s amusement.  Am, I here for someone to delight in my suffering.

I long for the day, when, I finally find, my inner  equilibrium . Does this make any sense? There is a mental struggle, and, right now, equilibrium isn’t winning.  CONFLICTED! https://wordpress.com/view/proudcynic.wordpress.com