I Will Not Find Peace By Offering Up Payback

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I’m up!  And so are my runaway thoughts.
It’s a late start for me, I don’t need to be at work until 10AM.
It is raining outside;  I do like the sound of it raining, water rushing down from the roof.  Raindrops beating the puddles on the ground.
I am a flawed human being.  My imperfections are limitless.  I am sitting here, thinking of ways I can offer up, ‘payback’ (Runaway thoughts. There will be no payback).  Why payback?
Two weeks ago, I accidentally stumbled on someone’s Instagram page (her pictures of her Polish boyfriend  (MY BOYFRIEND).  An editor for People.com.  On her page, I saw pictures of her and my then, ‘boyfriend’.  I thought we had something going on, we’ve been doing our dance for almost 8 years.  Far from perfect years, but, things seemed better between us than previous years.  Maybe, that was because I stopped asking a multitude of questions, and put a little more ‘trust’ in him; to be honest with me, and to do the right thing.  Our relationship was complicated; far from perfect, but, our problems and his imperfections didn’t stop me from being faithful to him.  He meant the world to me.  Believe it or not, he still does.
You can’t imagine the mental pain and distress I have endured these past two weeks.  I know that he’s moved on, and so should I, but, I just can’t lift myself out of the doldrums.
I mentioned that I want to get back at him, well, it’s not going to happen.  Not any more than I’ve already done.  What, I really need to do is to get my life back on track.  If I could erase this period in my life, I would.
I am hesitant about admitting it, but, I suppose I, too, am to be blamed for my emotional distress.  I should have known, better.  Signs!
Payback will not save me from me.

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